Be here now.

I first came across this saying in the 11th grade. My drama teacher, whom I was fairly close with, was getting it tattooed on her wrist in Sanskrit. (It remains, to this day, one of the coolest tattoos I’ve ever seen) The saying has been stuck in my head pretty much ever since. Like a song lyric that won’t go away but it’s a constant reminder of something that I am not very good at. I don’t live in the moment, I plan and schedule everything to the point where I plan when and for how long I need to sleep in three to four day increments to make sure I’m getting at least six hours a day. It’s completely outrageous and probably unnecessary but it’s the way I’ve always operated.

But over time I’ve come to realize it’s not just about living in the moment. It’s about accepting where you are at any given time. That’s not to say you shouldn’t dream or make plans for the future, those things are fine. But those things are only productive and positive if you’ve accepted where you are first. As I was laying down to a pre-planned nap today this saying popped into my head again and I think that’s because it’s extremely apropos to where I am in my life right now.

If you had looked around my room in university you would see things everywhere. Show posters, quotes, calendars, schedules, pictures of friends and family covered the walls. I lived in that room. If you looked around my room now you’d see only two things on the wall: my calendar (colour coded, of course) and one, single poster that I got for my birthday and didn’t put up for a month. I don’t live in this room, I’m staying in it. Which is sort of silly and very sad because this has been my bedroom for my entire life but ever since I came back to it I haven’t committed to being here now. I’ve been so focused on how unhappy I am with my current situation and so determined to get out of it that I’ve made my home feel transitional and temporary. In a way, it is. I don’t plan to live with my parents forever (and I’m sure they don’t plan to let me stay forever) but this is where I am right now. There’s no shame in it, there’s nothing wrong about where I am it’s just not where I want to be. But until I can accept where I am now, I’m never going to be able to take productive steps to change anything because I’ll just remain depressed and unmotivated.

Be here now might be easy for a lot of people but nothing about it is easy for me. I always want something else, something better than what I have. Part of that is determination and drive to accomplish the things I want to accomplish in my life but the other, darker part is that I have trouble seeing how good things right now. I have a lot of dreams but avoiding acceptance of where I am currently, is my way of protecting myself from failing at those dreams. The problem is, if I never even try, I’ve already failed. If I do try, yeah, I might fail but I might succeed and get exactly what I want and things I never even dreamed of in the first place. The road to anything begins with acceptance.

 

भवात्राधुना

*I do not speak Sanskrit and this was found via Google, from what I understand this is a correct translation but it may not be
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